Boyleing Points - No Stinkin' Buttons (Rockaway Times)

Boyleing Points — No Stinkin’ Buttons

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Rockaway Times in Boyleing Points, Columns // 0 Comments

You know that onesie pajamas are now made for adults.  The new craze is really just an offspring of the Snuggie, which was basically a bathrobe worn backwards.  With back-to-back winters like we’ve had, I completely get the idea of warmth and comfort.   And though they might be nothing more than a fad, I accept them as fun and even useful.  Unlike men’s pajamas.

See, I’m easily amused and confused.   Sometimes people don’t think I’m listening but it’s only because I’m wondering about something dark and disturbing.  I mean, every time I see a guy on TV or in a movie wearing pajamas I think it’s kinda weird.  Actually, more than weird.  It’s deeply troubling.  Since I grew out of footie pajamas a few decades back, I’ve never been a pajamas kinda guy and I really don’t see how any normal man could be.

I get pajama pants but the idea of putting on a shirt that you have to button is absurd and really marks you as some kind of nut job.  There, I said it.  If you’re sleeping next to a man with buttons, keep one eye open.

You know the shortest list in Rockaway is the Men’s Best Dressed List.  Chances are if you’re wearing button down pajamas to bed, you’re better dressed when you’re asleep than when you’re walking around town.

Sleeping clothes should be button free.  Sweatpants, underwear, gym shorts: all acceptable.  Sleeping nude? Well, that’s a column for another day – though a quick aside: A friend of mine says she would never sleep nude.  What if there was a fire? And you had to run out on the street?  She says she sleeps with her clothes on and a fully packed suitcase next to her bed just in case.  That, to me , is more normal than a man in button down pj’s.

I won’t put the no-button rule on women.   I’m betting lots of them like buttons and I think a lot of women like to get dressed up.  Who am I to say how they should dress when they go nighty-night.  But men?  Men are men, as a deep thinker once told me, they don’t need no stinkin buttons.

I’m sure there are 50 shades of men but when all is said and done, you fall into one of two camps.   You’re either Oscar Madison or Felix Unger.  And I’m talking Jack Klugman and Tony Randall, the best of the all the Oscars and Felixes.

In simple, raw, terms Oscar Madison is a man’s man.  He can be trusted.  Felix?  He’s more likely to be a serial killer.

So, that’s it.  Next time you see a show with a guy wearing button shirt pajamas, you’re gonna see what I mean.

Oh, as for you men over 70 – you get a pass.  You guys wore overcoats and fedoras to baseball games.  It’s in your DNA.  Of course, you’re going to get dressed –– properly attired – for bed.

But the rest of you?  Don’t be trying to defend the idea of getting dressed for bed.  I already have you sized up as a possible serial killer.  No amount of discussion is gonna change that.