Boyleing Points

The Joy of Sweats

By Kevin Boyle

2013 was some year. People always say Hurricane Sandy told us not to sweat the small stuff. I’m not sure what small stuff is, but I did get used to walking around with hat head. Maybe because no one ever seemed to notice. Used to be, you’d take a shower before going out but you couldn’t put a hat on because your hair would look plastered to your dome. Now? Plastered hair looks like a style. People don’t know whether to crack on you or compliment you.

Dirty clothes, paint-splattered sweat pants, whatever – it all works in this post-Sandy era. People can’t judge these days. You might be still fighting mold or doing work yourself instead of waiting for a contractor. Nobody wants to hurt your feelings. It’s the perfect time to be a complete slob. Especially since it’s the end of the year and sweat pants are the only thing you’ve got a chance on getting into.

Forget about your regular pants. You’ve given up on pants because you can’t pull them past mid-thigh. Don’t give me that, it’s a wonderful time of year stuff. By now, the only people who think it’s a wonderful time of year are people selling gym memberships.

It’s hard to remember the last time I ate when I was actually hungry. My mind might tell me I’m hungry but since I ate all of five minutes ago it’s tough to say we’re talking about actual hunger. I sympathize with the guy who said his New Year’s resolution would be to stop buttering his donuts. Ya gotta start somewhere.

I look forward to a January full of deprivation. But I’m gonna miss chewing. Chewing is like a scalp or temple massage. They call it comfort food because as you chew and chew, your brain gets a little workout. Everyone feels better after a workout. I hate the idea of trading that workout for the real kind.

Happy New Year.

Boyleing Points: The first wisdom nugget of 2014 comes via comedian Louis CK: If you want 100 percent of the people to like your material, you have mental problems. If you have to like 100 percent of everything you see, you really have mental problems.

** For those of you who put off resolutions you’ll be happy to know that Friday afternoon ferries are still quite happy. Good crowds are still heading into the City for a few hours of fun.

** Happy Anniversary to Billy and Janet Ryan! I think I overheard it’s number 33 though 23 looks more like it!