Thursday, January 9, 2014

Boyleing Points

Snow Dummies
By Kevin Boyle
I’m putting this in a column because there’s no way the morons I’m addressing can read. Last week’s snowfall reminded me that every time it snows some people think it’s a good idea to drive around in a 4000 pound machine with the windows covered in snow. These geniuses are like groundhogs peeking through a little circle they’ve cleared on the windshield. The side and back windows are blanketed, untouched.
Of course, it’s not enough that these Mister Magoos are driving around in igloos, they do so with a pile of snow on the car’s roof, too. Do they think? Please, tell me, do these people think? That’s all I want to know. Do they actually want snow to fly in the face of the person driving behind them?
I saw a guy drive past with about 8 inches of snow resting upon his side view mirror. How he opened and closed the car door leaving the pile of snow like that defied physics. Who needs driverless cars, these morons drive by ESP.
You’ve probably seen the Betty White commercials where somebody is starving and they’re not themselves. Until they eat a Snickers bar. Well, that’s the down side to January resolutions. You try to eat better, but you’re always starving. Without a Snickers, you want to chase down people who don’t remove snow from their cars and wash their face in it. Only thing is, January is a good month to be grouchy.
In the meantime, I hear diet resolutions are tougher than ever in Colorado. As you know marijuana is now legal. Some people swore off beer in hopes of losing weight and opted for weed. They didn’t figure in getting the munchies so the scale is still climbing north. In fact, between munchies and everyone wearing heavy clothes this time of year and think they can get away with a few pounds, the whole state is looking like Mississippi.
In New York so far, Governor Cuomo has only approved it for the Park Inn.
Anyway, if I bite your head off this month, forgive me, there’s not much else to chew. I’ll be better on February 1st when I eat my first Snickers.
Oh, before I forget, if you have a moron in your life, please tell them to take the snow off their cars before driving. It’s not really fair to make the starvation army grouchier.
Boyleing Points: **Try to go to the Graybeards Dinner Dance on January 25th, it’s always a great time. The Graybeards raised more than a million dollars after Sandy and gave out every last dime. And they even used their own money to cover administration costs. Top that, Red Cross. Call 718-634-6812 for tickets. Dieters get special dispensation.

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