Widespread Farce
d
Apparently my Nightmare on Election Street was hardly unique. Numerous people told me they had bizarre experiences and frustrations. And it wasn’t just the voters. I heard the poll workers at one place were kept locked inside until 11:30 p.m.
It was like good old fashioned detention. They were in a school and couldn’t leave. I think they had to sit still with clasped hands. The election boss told them they’d get docked $75 if they tried leaving. And I’m pretty sure they had to write on the blackboard I Will Do Better Next Time one hundred times. Some old timers were expecting the paddle to come out.
All the votes had to be counted, of course. But that was no easy task since the tiny six point font which made the ballots look like the ingredients list on the back of a small vitamin made counting so tough. The write-in ballots were another matter. The fix was in. There was just a tiny little space – if your name was Ben Hur you had a chance. Somebody at the Board of Elections didn’t want any write-ins for John Catsimatides or Carlos Danger. All my Italian friends with more than two vowels, were out of the running. I wanted to vote for Louie Pastina but I only got as far as Lou Past and I didn’t want to cause confusion among the poll workers, some of whom knew scientist Louis Pasteur personally.
And the poor poll workers didn’t need any more stress. They were already booked to work 15 or 16 hours that day and that wasn’t counting detention. Maybe the Board of Elections should offer eight hours shifts? Nah, that would make too much sense. And besides, that might make things less amusing. The exhausted workers snipe at each other like they’ve been at sea in a lifeboat together for nine months. After you finally vote, you don’t leave as much as escape. You avoid eye contact on the way out because some poll workers are shooting you the death glare just because you get to leave. I can’t wait til next November. I hear they’re trying something new: hanging chads.
Boyleing Points: Sticking with the political theme I have to go on record. I got the Full de Blasio from none other than Lew Simon. You know Lew who “always returns a call” Simon didn’t call me back though I called him a couple of times. Man, how low can it get for me. I’ve been big timed by Lew Simon.
***************
COMMENT
I'm sure Kevin Boyle will appreciate all the emails, and other "heads-ups" I received this morning asking me why I did not publish our favorite editors' weekly Boyleing Points column along with the other "In this week's WAVE" postings on this site..
Worry not....the delay in this posting was, in fact, quite intentional.
Allow me to explain.
Unlike the myriad of other fact-filled articles, columns, letters and comments that fill our favorite local weekly, "Boyleing Points" is a much more nuanced piece of faux journalism which must be savored like a fine meal.
One must allow the words to drift up and off the page like the bouquet of an aged wine and tossed about on the literary taste buds of our minds.
Truth be told, it must be read several times in order to comprehend the hidden intent of the authors' words.
For example, examine today's column (above) entitled "Widespread Farce". One does not have to read past the six words of the opening paragraph to intuit that Kevin is somewhat hung up, perhaps even obsessed, with our recent elections. Visions of Freddy Krueger disguised as a poll worker - "Nightmare on Election Street" are apparently dancing in his head.
Kevin's frustration with "tiny six point font" ballots speak volumes of his growing anguish over the unstoppable march of time and his advancing years. (Hint: stop by Duane Reade and buy a pair of 2.75 magnifier reading glasses...they're cheap and work great!)
Although the long hours worked by the poll workers were calmly described by Kevin as being not unlike "detention", you cannot help but feel the heated emotions of our editor who apparently thinks that being required to remain after the polls close and actually count votes is akin to water-boarding poll workers by the BOE.
Making matters worse, and in keeping with his election fetish, Kevin closes his column by complaining that he received the "full DeBlasio" from Lew Simon who didn't return his calls.
It's nothing personal Kevin. Lew, unlike your poll workers who finally went home, has yet to concede his recent race against Eric Ulrich and is still busy still counting absentee ballots!
Of course, having said the above, I still have no idea what Kevin is ranting about but if I were him, I would keep an eye on that "School Scope" character, Norman Scott, who stated in his column this week that he "recognizes his (Kevin's) writing from bathroom stalls."
Kind of leaves you wanting more, doesn't it?
No comments:
Post a Comment